Tag Archives | pain

The Way to Joy Through Pain

I recently experienced a deep pain I’d buried for many years.

After my last significant relationship over six years ago, I was devastated. I was unable at that time to allow myself to feel what had happened. I only wanted to get away from it.

So I buried the hurt. The wounds. The anger. The regret. The judgements. The blame. The shame.

As it resurfaced I could feel the overwhelming pain I’d buried and had been hiding inside of me. It was heavy, dark, and despairing. And at the same time it was good to feel. It was necessary to feel.

My challenge was that I got lost in the pain. The story of it all. Who did what to whom and why. I felt stuck and didn’t know how to get out.

Somewhere in there I realized that the recurring theme was that ‘I didn’t know that I deserved to have a relationship be any better than that’. I didn’t know that I deserved to be adored. Loved. Acknowledged. Accepted. Heard. Seen.

So I had settled for something that felt unsettling and terrible a lot of the time.

As my awareness of this aspect increased I was still lost in the story of it all.

Two of my coaching colleagues supported and helped me find my way out. They held space for me to acknowledge how I had really rejected myself. Denied myself. Ignored myself.

Not because I knew any better. Because I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know how to honour myself. Respect myself. Love myself. Not then.

They held space for me to claim that I deserve to be loved. Supported. Heard. Adored. Cherished. Treasured. I am worthy to have the best that life and a relationship has to offer me.

I’m learning. Now. How to love myself more. To take care of myself better.

To listen to what I need in each moment. To say “No” when I feel disrespected. To walk away when it doesn’t feel good. To make myself a snack when I feel hungry. To stop and rest when I’m exhausted. To dance when I want to move. To ask myself what I want now. In this moment. For me.

The way to joy. It is a journey. A process. Easier some days than others.

I’m developing more compassion for myself. Love for me. Joy in my heart.


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Transmuting the Terror of Intimacy

I spent a wonderful day at the river hanging out with a new friend on the weekend. We talked about and shared many thoughts and experiences I haven’t shared with anyone in a long time. It felt a bit surreal in ways, and I could feel my defenses always on the alert. My past pain and heartbreak always defining what might be potentially dangerous.

I woke up the next morning with one thought: what a great day it had been. Then, another part of my mind ran wild with all the reasons and thoughts about how he will never like me when he really gets to know all about me.

I felt layers of shame, guilt, fear, and terror come pouring through my mind and my body. I felt terrible and could sense my defenses rising with incredible speed to the possible threat of any kind of closeness or intimacy.

I could feel the urge to distract myself with activities or anything to avoid this discomfort. I chose to sit with all these feelings even as uncomfortable and painful as they were. I sat until I felt something in my heart begin to soften and change, taking each emotion in turn.

Then I felt the incredible deep sorrow and grief of being so disconnected for so long, and I cried from a very deep place inside. My heart ached with this deep sadness of feeling so alone.

I felt very ungrounded and chaotic inside after this enormous release and flood of feelings. My heart felt incredibly vulnerable and raw. As I checked in, I realized that the only thing that would help me shift from this place would be movement and riding my bike was going to be the ticket. I got on and rode rather desperately at first. It was as though all the chaos within needed a focal point to direct toward.

After the first half hour I felt a level of relief and within an hour was able to stop and eat and reflect a bit more on what had happened and how much better I was feeling. By the time I returned home after more than two hours, I felt profoundly better, stronger and clearer.

I had been able to embrace my pain and fears rather than push them away, and I could feel how much more of my own power and strength I could access. I could also feel how much less protection I have around my heart that had been keeping me from the possibility of intimacy.

As I write, I marvel at what an amazing experience it was to be able to sit with the distress and hold space for myself in order to enable it to transmute into power and possibility. This is a practice that I have been working with for years now, and in the past few months, have found more specific and clear direction on how to be with all of my emotions when they are triggered in a more direct and clear way.

Do you know when you are going into defense?

What awareness do you have when you feel triggered? Can you feel the trigger or do you find you knee jerk into reacting the same way every time?

What do you do with all the uncomfortable emotions that surface?

Is there anything you want to change about the way you currently deal with triggers in your life?



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Allowing Triggers to Lead the Way to Possibilities

Here we are at the very beginning of a New Year!  The excitement and anticipation of beginning something new contains so many possibilities when we are open to seeing them.

I’ve been exploring the possibilities in being able to see the absolute perfection in every moment.  I was just reading Eckhart Tolle’s, A New Earth again this morning, which is such an great reminder of the power of being present and conscious in this exact moment.  All we have are moments each and every day.  The choice we have is where we place our thoughts and focus each and every moment.  When we focus on the past or the future we are missing this moment.

One of my biggest learning opportunities has been to recognize triggers, or things that upset me or grab my attention or focus, as learning opportunities.  These triggers are the gateway to healing the parts within that have yet to be healed inside of me.

When I am able to be conscious as the trigger is present, and to observe what I am doing with it, I am changing a deep and usually a very old pattern within me.  Perhaps it is an old defense mechanism that I developed in order to cope with hurt or pain that I experienced as a child.  By tracing my reaction back to another time or even to it’s place of origin in order to discover what the orginal hurt was, I have the opportunity to heal that place inside of me.  Triggers are the opportunities to heal deeply within. 

It can be a challenge initially to bring oneself into consciousness when this is happening.  I encourage you to find a place of being curious initially, and asking what could be the opportunity in this place?  It is deeply rewarding to persist and note that each time you do it, it is easier and requires less time to process.

Often it is another person who initiates the trigger, and in our confusion, we think it is about them.  Actually, they are the angel presenting the opportunity for us to heal the deep parts of us that are asking for healing.  Everything that happens to us is only about us.  We have invited all kinds of angels into our lives to help us heal deeply within, which in time will make it even easier to be present in this moment.

I will know I have healed deeply when I am at peace with everything that happens at every moment in my life.

My hope for us all this year is that we can embrace each and every moment as a gift….And that when we are triggered, that we can step into consciousness and see that moment as a healing opportunity….And that we are able to give thanks for every angel that presents us with the possibility to heal and discover the peace and joy that is already ours….

Namaste’,  Cindy

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