I recently experienced a deep pain I’d buried for many years.
After my last significant relationship over six years ago, I was devastated. I was unable at that time to allow myself to feel what had happened. I only wanted to get away from it.
So I buried the hurt. The wounds. The anger. The regret. The judgements. The blame. The shame.
As it resurfaced I could feel the overwhelming pain I’d buried and had been hiding inside of me. It was heavy, dark, and despairing. And at the same time it was good to feel. It was necessary to feel.
My challenge was that I got lost in the pain. The story of it all. Who did what to whom and why. I felt stuck and didn’t know how to get out.
Somewhere in there I realized that the recurring theme was that ‘I didn’t know that I deserved to have a relationship be any better than that’. I didn’t know that I deserved to be adored. Loved. Acknowledged. Accepted. Heard. Seen.
So I had settled for something that felt unsettling and terrible a lot of the time.
As my awareness of this aspect increased I was still lost in the story of it all.
Two of my coaching colleagues supported and helped me find my way out. They held space for me to acknowledge how I had really rejected myself. Denied myself. Ignored myself.
Not because I knew any better. Because I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know how to honour myself. Respect myself. Love myself. Not then.
They held space for me to claim that I deserve to be loved. Supported. Heard. Adored. Cherished. Treasured. I am worthy to have the best that life and a relationship has to offer me.
I’m learning. Now. How to love myself more. To take care of myself better.
To listen to what I need in each moment. To say “No” when I feel disrespected. To walk away when it doesn’t feel good. To make myself a snack when I feel hungry. To stop and rest when I’m exhausted. To dance when I want to move. To ask myself what I want now. In this moment. For me.
The way to joy. It is a journey. A process. Easier some days than others.
I’m developing more compassion for myself. Love for me. Joy in my heart.