Tag Archives | relationships

The Way to Joy Through Pain

I recently experienced a deep pain I’d buried for many years.

After my last significant relationship over six years ago, I was devastated. I was unable at that time to allow myself to feel what had happened. I only wanted to get away from it.

So I buried the hurt. The wounds. The anger. The regret. The judgements. The blame. The shame.

As it resurfaced I could feel the overwhelming pain I’d buried and had been hiding inside of me. It was heavy, dark, and despairing. And at the same time it was good to feel. It was necessary to feel.

My challenge was that I got lost in the pain. The story of it all. Who did what to whom and why. I felt stuck and didn’t know how to get out.

Somewhere in there I realized that the recurring theme was that ‘I didn’t know that I deserved to have a relationship be any better than that’. I didn’t know that I deserved to be adored. Loved. Acknowledged. Accepted. Heard. Seen.

So I had settled for something that felt unsettling and terrible a lot of the time.

As my awareness of this aspect increased I was still lost in the story of it all.

Two of my coaching colleagues supported and helped me find my way out. They held space for me to acknowledge how I had really rejected myself. Denied myself. Ignored myself.

Not because I knew any better. Because I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know how to honour myself. Respect myself. Love myself. Not then.

They held space for me to claim that I deserve to be loved. Supported. Heard. Adored. Cherished. Treasured. I am worthy to have the best that life and a relationship has to offer me.

I’m learning. Now. How to love myself more. To take care of myself better.

To listen to what I need in each moment. To say “No” when I feel disrespected. To walk away when it doesn’t feel good. To make myself a snack when I feel hungry. To stop and rest when I’m exhausted. To dance when I want to move. To ask myself what I want now. In this moment. For me.

The way to joy. It is a journey. A process. Easier some days than others.

I’m developing more compassion for myself. Love for me. Joy in my heart.


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Relationship Challenges Find Clarity in the Heart


My first encounter with Heart Intelligence was years ago before I had a name for it. I was at a crux point in my first marriage and I was faced with needing to decide whether to commit to the relationship again, or to let go and move on.

I had no idea what to do. I was lost in the judgements of being divorced and how ‘bad’ that would make me along with the fears I felt that took me in so many directions it was making me crazy.

I clearly remember phoning one of my dearest friends and support during those terribly difficult months lamenting my current place of confusion.

To this day, I clearly remember the words that she spoke to me.

“You already know what to do. Go inside your heart and find the answer.”

I had no idea at the time what she meant and I also knew that she was right somehow.

I sat on the front steps of my house with those words ringing in my mind and heart and got quiet so that I could actually hear what my heart was saying to me. I shut out all the words and ‘shoulds’ and ‘ought to’ and worries about others and listened to my soul’s longings.

I felt into what staying in the relationship would be like for me. I experienced the sense of being trapped and confined in a cage or small box. It was terrible and small and I was miserable.

Then I felt into letting go of the relationship. I experienced a freedom that I longed for in the depths of my soul and I felt alive in myself and in the world. I also felt scared at the same time.

As a result, I found myself asking all kinds of questions. “Did I really deserve to have all that freedom and happiness?” “How could I admit failing in this relationship and my marriage which was supposed to be ‘until death do us part’?”

Shortly after this exploration and revelation, I ended the marriage and moved into a very scary and new place in myself and in the world around me. Since then, I have followed the steps, one at a time allowing myself to explore and feel my way into freedom and joy. And when I got off track, which I have done many times over the years, I regrouped and chose yet another way.

This has been my journey over the past 25 years or more since that first moment of consciously choosing to listen to the longings of my heart over the thoughts and judgements running in my mind, in their attempts to keep me safe.

Heart Intelligence

In the past nine months, I have finally encountered a body of work and practice that is helping me stay on track every day rather than the more haphazard way of only paying attention when big issues are up for me.

The body of work is called Heart Intelligence or Heart IQ and it is changing my life toward the ultimate destination of creating joy moment by moment. The practices help keep me on track every day allowing my heart to lead the way. My mind gets to follow.

Having recently completing my Certification to coach Heart Intelligence, I’m incredibly excited to be sharing this with you in small group and larger group settings. It is my desire and longing to facilitate us coming together as community to discover and know ourselves and our individual soul longings.

What do you long for? What desires drive you forward in life? Are you ready to move you toward your own inner joy and happiness? What small step can you take today that will move you in that direction?

Let’s come together and support one another on this profound journey of life and living!

Sending waves of love to you now…….it’s time…….let’s go…….together!


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